Welcome back. You belong here.
I stood in the circle holding hands even though everything in me kept yelling “Run!”. I’m not much into holding hands during  prayer circles, they make me nervous, but here I was holding hands in a prayer circle.
Our class had been talking about some pretty heavy topics, themes of racial reconciliation, White-privilege and corporate confession and now it was time to pray and get real with one another. Fun.
As people began to cry and talk about some pretty heavy stuff, I could feel my body tense up. My hands got clammy, my shoulders got tight, my breathing got heavy. I didn’t experience a full blown panic attack (it was close), but it was your typical fight or flight response.
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“Leave!” “DEPORTED!” “You don’t belong here!” Those were the voices inside my head. All I wanted to do was run , but I couldn’t. After all, it wouldn’t be  professional to leave a classroom full of graduate level students trying to make a difference in the world! So I hung in there.
Finally, it was time for the prayer circle and the inevitable hand-holding. I was dying. All I could think of was, “don’t say anything stupid”, “maybe you won’t have to say anything at all”. All the memories of racism, isolation and fear were coming back. Feelings of not being wanted, of not knowing if I could stay in the country rang inside my head. Everything in me wanted to get angry and feel the rage inside but instead I chose to say nothing, I chose the silent treatement. But it wasn’t working.
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You know that feeling you get when you get picked last during basketball? Or that horrible moment when you have to say “something nice about someone else” and you’re the last one people talk about? That’s how I felt being in this circle, my world kept getting smaller and smaller.
Then it happened.
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Part 2 – tomorrow…
Thanks for being here,
Trig