Welcome back. You belong here.
Life continues but I’m still waiting for a good week without dizziness, seeing spots, anxiety and headaches. I have an appointment to see my doctor on April 24th to talk about possible medication, etc.
The counseling is slow, it’s helping, but it’s a long journey. My body tells me I’m going through a lot of grief, work related stress, issues stemming from my childhood and my ministry future. All the big ones are coming up.
Some days I feel like I can handle the symptoms, other days I feel overwhelmed by them, like they’re never going to go away.
Still, I keep working on things, working out, lifting weights, running, abs, eating healthy meals, protein, power bars. It’s therapy for me and a good release of stress. Sometimes, when I don’t feel strong I don’t lift, but still I’m lifting about 3x a week, I wish I was doing 4x, but it’s okay for now.
God is doing something marvelous in me, I know it, He’ll see me through, I’ll be out of this darkness some day. In the mean time, I keep surrendering my well being to Jesus, using Lent a time of surrender, to focus myself on Jesus and His Cross, not on my wishes, not my will, but your will be done. That’s my prayer.
I know I’ll be through this some day, no more symptoms, no more anxiety. But I’m here now and I don’t regret it because it’s my life. The loss of my father six years ago, the loss of my grandmother a year ago, becoming a U.S. Citizen next week, my support system being gone, realizing the loss I experienced at 12 and 13 when I came to his country, the love and faith of my mother that perseveres, the love of my wife and children, my King Jesus who holds me, all those things give me hope amidst the pain.
And life continues on, leading, working, directing Good Friday, rehearsals, raising children, meetings and decisions, taking out the trash every Tues. night, life moves forward, and I’m engaging it all.
I need time to rest after Easter, I’m taking a week off to rest, be with my wife, be alone, rest my body, catch up on Talbot.
Tomorrow I mow the lawn, later today I may lift after a nap. Earlier today I counseled a couple that’s getting married in August, very fun. Earlier I had lunch with a friend, counseling, mentoring, I love it.
Today’s worship went well, at times frustrating, but most of the times I see God’s goodness amidst it all. I don’t know what God is doing with me in ministry but I know He’s doing something special. I’m learnig to be myself, to honor God in my life by being true to my dreams and pursuing them. Not being afraid, but instead believing that He will guide and see me through.
I’m learning that it’s okay to be me.
Whatever my wife and I do in the next 10 years, is being decided this year. I don’t want our children to see us going through the ‘motions of church’ but instead to see us living passionate lives in a context that fits us, that appreciates and values us, with peers that we can call friends while in community. In that environment, I can go on forever serving my King and Lord Jesus and going to the nations to sing and preach of His Name.
Have a great day.
Into the future,