Welcome back. You belong here.

Just spent the last few hours crying before the Lord, seeking his face. 2018 almost took it out of me but God was faithful. It started with pain and ended with pain, from January 1st till December 31st, tears became my food day and night. January has been a month of lament, brokenness and healing, this is usual for me.

After pushing for 24 straight months, I feel weary, exhausted, strong in my mind but weary in my soul. 

And Jesus is knocking, calling me to rest, to intimacy, telling me, where have you been son? It’s been a long time.

Then a strange thing happened.

I was listening to SING TO JESUS on Youtube and then a voice said “I AM FAITHFUL, YOU CAN DO IT” and it scared me, it came out of nowhere. I thought, it has to be a video, an ad, too weird to be the voice of God. It was an ad as I thought but the timing was too weird, too perfect and the words too true.

YOU CAN DO IT. Wow.

I had just sent Rachelle a text saying I CAN’T DO THIS, but then God tells me (or this ad). YOU CAN DO IT. Amazing, thank God for ads. Hahaha, I’ll take it.

It was the text I didn’t want to send, I finally did and it wasn’t true. Well, it was partly true, I can’t do this, but in Christ, I can.

My abs have been super tight lately (not because of reverse crunches) but because of stress.

I absorb all my stress in my belly, that 3rd chakra, the belly is my weak spot, that’s where I carry all my stress and 2018 was 12 months of pure stress and agony, my stomach absorbing hit after hit till finally it broke and now it hurts. I’m healing slowly, it feels like a torn abdominal muscle (not quite) but close.

Part 2 – I WAS THERE.

I have 10-12 scenes in my head where I feel alone, like God left me and wasn’t there. I wrote a song years ago called WHERE WERE YOU? Because that’s how I have felt during times of crisis – war, illness, fear, where were you God?

But yesterday as I was meditating, God told me I WAS THERE.

When you felt alone in the hospital, I was there, when you felt alone in line at LBCC, I was there. When you felt scared during the war at age 10 I was there. I was there.

In all those moments, I felt alone and indeed I was alone to some degree, but my parents were there, my in laws, my mom, my wife was there and most of all JESUS was there.

At age 2 Moses was alone in a basket floating down the river, all alone, his life in danger. Where were you God? Miriam was in the bushes watching, his mom was aware of every move.

Finally, when the princess took Moses in, out of the water, his mom and sister were there in the palace to take care of Moses and he became a prince.

I too was thrown into the ocean in a basket, felt all alone, like I could die, but God was there watching me all along.

I was there and so I am here now and will always be there, next to you in your low times, when anxious, when scared, when your belly is tight, when the safety net seems to be gone, I will catch you.

Thank you Father that you are with me now.

Into the future,

davidT