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While away this last weekend at our retreat of silence and meditation, the four of us pastors spoke about our marriages and how we’re doing. Very real stuff. Pastors aren’t exempt as many of you know, from difficulties and struggles in marriage. We all shared our ups and downs, our love for our wives, some struggling more than others.

One night, two of us stayed up late talking about our marriages. My pastor friend has been married for 5 years. At one point he said to me, “I know I love her, I just get so frustrated with her…” Been there, any one else?

We talked about how when I get frustrated with Rachelle, I do something to help her. My wife’s love language is acts of service, so when I’m changing little David’s diapers and there aren’t any diapers in the drawer, and little David is crying, wetting the carpet (he’s 2), and I can’t find those darn diapers, I have two choices: Either I get mad and rant and rave about how she should have had that drawer filled with diapers (been there done that), or I get up, go in the closet, open a package of new diapers (which she bought), get a few out, fill the drawer back up and change David’s diaper. There, problem solved! Wasn’t that easy?

But to those of us husbands who struggle with wanting things to be easy when we’re home, I’ve learned that doing something about the situation rather than complaining is the best thing for your marriage.

Other people may struggle with time spent. Some wives might say, “My husband is never home, he’s always at work.” Some women’s (or men’s) love language is not gifts or hugs, it’s time spent. In other words “I want you to spend time with me.”

While driving home from our retreat, one of our pastors received a phone call from his wife. It’s her birthday this weekend and she wanted him home right away. At the time we were stuck in traffic, a good hour away from home. After arguing back and forth, she hung up on him. Ouch.

He told us how he was already spending time with her that evening, and yet she wants him to come home and spend time with her right now. We counseled him on how she must have been feeling. She’s just spent three days ALONE with their 1 year old son, and on top of that it’s her birthday oh yes, and he hasn’t been home in three days. Her love language, the thing that means love to her is time spent. We adviced our young friend to go home and spend time with his wife, the work will get done and his marriage is at stake. He went home.

That night when we stayed up late, I confessed that some times I feel like I’m not a success in certain areas of my life. For example, I wish I had recorded a CD or two by now, that I would make more money, that I would have completed by masters degree, (I’m almost done!). But one thing I feel I have gotten a Masters’ degree in is in my marriage to Rachelle. I feel like we have a successful marriage.

It’s not the lack of struggles or that we don’t have things to work on, but it’s the intentionality of our dating every other Monday night, learning to speak her love language (I do laundry, do the dishes, cook, clean the floor, take the children to school, etc), the marriage conferences we’ve been to, the times in the morning praying together, praying for the children together almost every night. It’s talking on the kitchen table, working on our finances together, talking about sex together, about struggles at work, about being more generous, about serving our elderly neighbor together, about holding each other at night and sleeping on the same bed together.

For those and a thousand other little things, I feel we have a great marriage. It’s a marriage made up of two broken people that need the grace of God every day. It’s a marriage tested and tried now 10 years in. We still have a long way to go. It’s a marriage with two great sets of parents that have worked on their stuff every year. But most of all, it’s a commitment to keep working at it, to pursue each other, to not become roomates or parents raising children.

I need my wife, she needs me, we’re not perfect, we’re not Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura, we could make stupid decisions tomorrow that would change everything, but the love that we feel for each other drives us forward. I really do love my wife. She loves me.

My grandmother used to say, ‘as long as there is love everything is possible…” Such wise words. I believe that’s true.

If you’re struggling and needing help in your marriage, ask yourself, do I love my husband? Do I love my wife? If not, ask yourself, what are the elements that are keeping me from loving him or her and start to work on building the love back into your marriage.

Into the future,

davidT