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When we moved from SoCal to Colorado almost six years ago, I said “I’ll give the Church one more chance.” Although that was pretty arrogant of me (who am I to give Church another chance?), I was filled with pain, hurt and deep frustration.
While in Colorado, I fulfilled many of my dreams especially in the area of missional outreach. It was a dream come true to touch a whole city from big to small, from soccer to soup. But when our time in Colorado came to an end in 2011, I was even more convinced “Church is dead to me, never again.”
So for the next two years I ran, ran and ran some more. I ran as far and as fast from Church as I could, hiding behind a desk working on Quick Books, LOI’s, TI’s, leases and management.
When we moved back to California in June 2011, I was spiritually dead, tired, spent, done. Contemporaries and Fathers of the Faith (Nouwen, Willard, Foster, Manning, Moltmann, Barth, Caussade) once again guided me and helped me see this “dark night of soul”. My Fuller program and professors were also there through this dizzying time of “blindness, wilderness, lostness, confusion”. Been there?
This is common to many, but this is my story.
Underneath all my doing and learning and dark nights and lessons something deeper was brewing – my huge pride. I never knew how arrogant I am. Maybe because of my laid back personality I was able to hide it, but deep within, most of what I used to do was motivated by self, competition, attraction, selfishness, insecurity, anger, shame. This is an on-going process, but I’m better.
When in 2011 my life began to fall apart with fears of money, safety, job, career, midlife, my fear and anxiety went throught the roof to the tune of 10mg of anti-anxiety depressants and 2 years of therapy. That truly helped.
So what healed my soul?
Was it writing songs, working at a fancy university, growing in my love for the poor, riding the Blue Line? Hardly. What truly changed and healed my soul was….
Thanks for reading. More to come…