Every time I go on a contemplative/silent retreat I hear something different. This time I heard the Spirit’s voice through peaches, mortadela (look it up) and KFC (it’s a long story).
I also heard the Spirit talk to me about shame. One morning I went for a run and all I could think about were my failures. In some ways God was preparing me for the next event when I came home and heard Brené Brown on OWN talk about her latest book “Daring Greatly” which deals with shame.
God is working with me on the issue of shame.
It’s shame based primarily on performance and perfectionism. The feeling that whether in education, vocation, salary or fitness, I haven’t hit the mark, I’m not good enough. So shame sets in and takes over every part of me until my true self or as Brené calls it, my living “whole-heartedly” is gone. As a result, I isolate, run away from people, get upset, check out, try to control everyone around me or worst yet think I’m better than others.
My shame runs high but I’m ready to dive into it to learn to live from a place of worthiness not shame.
Great time away with God heh? Well, I’ve realized that God is not all “shits and giggles” to quote a good friend. He’s also in the raw moments when nothing resolves but instead moves to the next measure of the song.
So I came home and guess what I did? I argued with my wife, the microwave crapped out, I was mean to our children and got into an argument with two of my best friends. What a great way to wrap up a time away with God right?
My time away was great but not in a God took me away in a cloud and fed me nectar from the tree of life while singing Handle’s Messiah’s sweet nothings in my ear. Instead yes I felt loved and surrounded and had fun with a good friend, but I was also challenged to keep growing and not give up on this issue of shame.
Thanks for listening,