Welcome back. You belong here.
Yesterday, our band was talking on stage, after services, catching up, being friends. I told them of my anxiety, loss of my abuelita, just how I was feeling. They all talked about similar themes, medication, counseling, and other more normal things.
Then the 18 year old spoke, he plays electric. He looked at me and said (he hadn’t said much until then): “It seems to me you grieve very slowly.” WOW. He hit me between the eyes. I guess sometimes I think my grieving is as it should be. And actually, it is at it should be because it’s my grieving process. I’ve learned this.
At the same time, I am slow griever. It takes me a while to process loss and death, love and pain. He said how for some people, it’s fast. My sister seemed to be hardly affected by the loss of my dad, she grieved him and still does, but in a less dark way.
I am the anxiety junkey. The one who used to sweat and get nervous at the sight of the ocean. My mom is similar and so is my other sister. But Marcia, she is a happy girl. She often helps me remember God’s faithfulness, His goodness and the happy things in life.
It’s okay to grieve the way I grieve, in fact, it’s due to the deep wrapping my life had around these figures in my life – my father, my 2nd mother. I can’t help it, they were everything to me. And on the positive side, I can be a very creative and in tune person when it comes to relationships. There are pluses and minuses to being oneself and in fact, this paradox is part of my faith journey in Christ. Jesus is in my darkness and he’s in my light. And whether up or down, I worship and praise Him with all that is within me. He is my King and Lord.
But when I deal with symptomps, anxiety, etc. it helps to know that my deep, slow feelings sometimes come back and haunt me and that I need to control my emotions. I will never be a non-feeler, but I can focus those emotions towards things that build, not tear me and others down.
Big revelations through a young person’s advice. And I didn’t even have to pay him. I called my doctor today to get some meds for my condition. I think it’s time, I need the help.
I’m glad our band had that conversation. Oh yes, and we also played some great music and talked about God and life. Fun times.
COMING UP: Rachelle is off to a funeral, I’m home with the little ones. Chest/abs still pending, make dinner tonight (‘pollo con papas’, chicken and potatoes, steamed veggies, steamed rice, water).
Have a great day.
Into the future,